on comradeship

inktober found me with no time to draw - except for the ordeal of drawing on small sketchbooks, in coffeeshops - not because a corporate hell is eating at my soul 5 days a week, thank God for the break, but because I'm busy being a river. I'm busy floating inside and with the river. I fill up my days with tasks - or the days fill the time themselves. People and new people, everywhere, and I take whatever they’re throwing at me, as nothing seems less important. So… Doing whatever the river is doing - I have to finally obey to the metaphor I was shoving down someone else's throat during my first year of uni. Your own words might catch up to you, be wise about them.

After another huge chunk of time I rediscover I was either made or conditioned to kindle and rekindle connections in the places where it feels the hardest to do so.

I'm afraid truth is after me and it might have a lot to say.

I'm afraid comradeship might be the hardest

& most important type of connection we have

to build; I'm afraid it can feel like shit. I'm afraid

houses might be a little easier to build. I'm afraid

therapy talk won't help much. I'm afraid leaving

people behind won't simplify anything. I'm afraid

the whole shabang will catch fire from time to time

and most of it will burn to the ground, leaving

just enough to start over with. I'm afraid you might

have to draw in coffeeshops, while searching

for an incentive to continue; I'm afraid we're

a puddle of things, setting each other

on deadly fire, having to extinguish each other

from time to time; I'm afraid we're heavy

and we must be carried; I'm afraid

every one of us has their turn as the

carrier and the carried; I'm afraid that

to put arm on arm on arm on arm,

for us to hold and carry one,

might be hard and painful and their body

might be heavy; I'm afraid there's nothing fancy

and nothing clean, and nothing sanitary

about this struggle; I'm afraid having

each other's back might mean

taking some stabbing from time to time;

I'm afraid it's all Judas forgiving Judas,

holding Judas, carrying Judas, stabbing

Judas; we're a puddle of Judas,

selling each other, headed for deadly fire,

and we're heavy, and we must be carried,

and we must carry each other.